I Am Fire! I Am Death!

Listen up you fucker. Either you need to stop posting those shitty stories and messaging me about how much weight you lost in the fucking mountains or I will come to your fucking house and marry the shit out of you. Thats right. Cut that shit out or else your last name…its going to me mine. Im going to come into your home, have your fucking children and cry all over your shoulder when they graduate from kindergarten. Im going to watch you mow our god damn yard and maybe even make you lemonaid and cookies. Your stupid ass is going to drive me and our children on a vacation every fucking year where im going to take way to many pictures then drop the camera in a lake or some shit. Im going to be really upset when our dumb ass daughter starts talking back and your going to have to step the fuck up and fix it with some nice words and a whole lot of kissing, maybe a little bit of grounding too. And when Shes married and out of the house Im going to complain about me never getting to see her and you are going to keep your fucking mouth shut because we have been together so long you know I both mean it and dont mean it. And after like 50 years of this shit, when we are old and gray and you have to remind me that i’m beautiful every other day, I hope you will know that all of this shit is your fucking shitty ass’s fault. I fucking told you i would and I fucking did.

all of my problems in life would be fixed if I didn’t have an apartment.

nateswinehart:

Being good to each other is so important, guys.

phobso:

My only thought while I watched a final scene in the Guardians of the Galaxy. 

agelfeygelach:

armouredswampert:

agelfeygelach:

little-yogi:

It’s a cute little thing though.

Sometimes it is hard to remember that owls are incredibly dangerous predators seen by cultures throughout  the world as ill omens. Especially when they look like toasted marshmallows.

My boss once described them as flying pillows filled with seething hatred.

Further confirming that owls are the avian equivalent of cats.

As someone who had to feed 3 owls on Halloween night alone dressed as Little Red Riding Hood, I can completely understand where the ill omen idea comes from. Also the toasted marshmallow of seething hatred.

Lets play a game I like to call ‘romantic love song or Christian rock?’

The Maze Runner - “Good Job” Clip (x)

im ordering room service and no one can stop me!

then im going to eat it in my complementary bathrobe on one of my two full sized beds and watch movies on internet I didn’t pay for.

Then Im going to take a shower and use the free razor and loofa pad they gave me but probubly not any of the other shit.

Im just going to steal that, even though Im never going to need any of it.

I would like to take this time to thank each and every follower I have for not deserting me. Also Warning you that what started as a bonding experience is quickly turning into a war.